What can I say. I hope there can be more “activity” on this site. It was mostly ignorance of the female sexual response. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion. You were, to me, asking more than one question, and the second one was alarming. Can I get some of the guys reading this post to chime in and tell me how you got help from God to “meet your needs”? I feel like I have to cut a part of myself out in order to take care of my wife’s needs. Rob4Hope, The days following my daughter’s birth were filled with gratitude. However, it could also be taken to mean there is too much. I find this an interesting attitude. She loves me and I love her, thus making the whole situation even more difficult to fathom. I researched methods to turn off my sexual desires. This was, far and away the most difficult part of my new resolution. Anyway, sorry for the long post. For it does many things through vicious desire, as though in forgetfulness of itself. I have a faith concern as well. My wife and I have been led to this counseling firm by God. But the term is rather fitting, since I have about as much of a sex life as a typical priest. The word of Scripture is explicit as to the Divine intent and command with respect to the sexes. At the beginning of this time period, I determined that the ideal marriage is one where sexual desires are freely discussed and explored, both partners feel comfortable initiating and no one is devastated by a turn down. I feel I have to qualify that I am not a bad-looking woman, and what mystifies me is that we can be such great friends, sharing everything, but intimacy. All of my friends, (even my children) ask me why I don’t get divorced; I just don’t feel it is the right thing for me. But, that is beside the point. There are others that too struggle similarly. I am an attractive 40 something woman, who is always being hit on. From what you say, you are in a more healthy place than you have been in years, and you are content without sex: it doesn’t cross your mind, doesn’t come up, and you are just fine without it. I told her that when she talks to me like this, it makes me feel as though she doesn’t want to be “dependable” for me, and how can I build the hope and trust I need inside when something as important as sexual relations are completely undependable for me? We may have been too quick to dismiss neck gaiters. It will take a miracle to get it opened again, let alone heal the wounds in there,…so I am praying for miracles. What frightens me for you (and my wife) is that the feelings are gone–just poof and they are completely removed. I love my sanity and what’s left of my self-esteem too much to live like this. ~ Achieving a Celestial Marriage, pg. Satan strikes you where you hurt the most because it’s where you’re most vulnerable. As one of the two women who posted, may I also comment that it’s nice to not be alone in this. But when I am constantly being told I am not good, that I am frigid, or that I am too uptight, why would I want to continue doing it? That stuff is profound and really good. Before I can feel sexual intimacy I need to feel safe. I’m reading from newest back to oldest, so I am just catching on to some of the previous part of the conversation…I am soooo grateful you have found good help that understands the true nature of sexual addiction. It may be time to loosen up and relax a bit and not refuse to try things to find out what you both like. Q. Some have pointed out that this is a lie and being dishonest. Even began having same-sex attractions for a time, because i was so broken and desperate for affection. The thing is that my wife is so wonderful in every other way, and I do love her deeply & without condition. [8], The words abstinence and celibacy are often used interchangeably, but are not necessarily the same thing. We both knew of each other’s worldly past. It also applies to abstinence. I can ONLY believe that the devil has convoluted and twisted the entire idea of sexuality to such a mess that is has become almost incomprehensible. I dumped what I feel. Regarding the second question, I think you are missing about half of the human family if you read section 121 verse 39 as pertaining only to males. Could this be where a major breakdown occurs in our lives? Maybe there is still something I need to learn before I can experience the sexual relationship I so desire. It’s not His will, I won’t accept it, and there are answers that require a bit of direct messages from others. He is also called to marital chastity: to have relations only with his spouse and to remain pure in heart and mind. All I’m saying is this: I’m not sure I could be married to the man I love and sexually desire…and be celibate for life. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs). Strong Man,…I confess this idea is so foreign to some of the things I have been taught that I am still unable to accept it fully. Such restraint is difficult for most persons and sometimes impossible, and for them married life is decidedly more helpful than a life of celibacy. right before my book came out that basically confirmed that church leadership were not to involve themselves in bedroom matters, but that topic was to be between husband/wife and the Lord. No one goes through a divorce without their being struggle and pain. Have you tried writing a letter to your wife explaining your feelings in as compassionate a way as you can? Whether he ever changes or not, you need to be a person of integrity, strength, generosity, cheerfulness, peace, etc. But then the next one is concerning, “And perhaps someone can benefit from my answers. With all of my husband’s anger and accusations it is challenging to keep my perspective and I often second guess my decisions, but your comments have validated what I feel I am trying to do here. Does the LDS faith beieve sex is important in marriage or not? YIKES!!! –that has helped…, These are just a couple ideas, but there are more to be found by each of us individually! After all, she only consented to marry you, not to have sex with you. I agree that either way, it’s harmful and not at all helpful. My only option is divorce. Worse, it poisoned my memories of happier times, as she clearly was faking her participation in a manner that caused me to doubt if she had ever felt any joy in sex wth me. It seems that the Church’s dialog around sex always assumes that sex happens naturally, and that the only important part of this discussion for married people is to give them “permission”. because I was born wrong–I have a libido in the first place–and my wife is entitled to reject me at any time, for any reason, for any length of time–and if I were a good LDS man, I would be able to simply accept this with “no consequences”. How are ya! Because they are not in that lonely place, I believe it clouds their perspective. This idea of “knowing” or “becoming acquainted with” connotes a deeply satisfying aspect of married love. I want to be wanted,…and that is not something I expect to receive in this life. If married, remember that in the resurrection, earthly marriage will cease, having fulfilled its intended purposes. I no longer have any desire at all to have sex with my husband. I would like to recommend Michele Weiner-Davis’ book “The Sex-Starved Wife” to see if it might not provide some helpful insights and suggestions. Give her that gift and I think you will be pleasantly surprised what lies beneath all the pain and fear. : ). There is not always an easy solution to these complicated situations. The fact that it is the nature and disposition of almost all “men” to exercise unrighteousness dominion when they get a little authority (or power in a relationship) is as universal as “Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy.” Women are just as guilty of unrighteousness dominion when they use sex as a weapon to force compliance from their husbands. But, we had once again settled into a superficial relationship that works. For two years now, our anniversary has been a disaster. God’s vision for women in ministry. These writings and the many others like it are the reasons I see it as such a high priority to strengthen marriages sexually. My wife announced 10 years ago that she was no longer interested in marital intimacy. Abstinence in marriage, Paul says (see 1 Cor 7:4-5) can cause unnecessary temptations and tensions, which are certainly harmful side effect. I find myself in this situation for the past 5 years. Found another awesome website with lots of scripture on this topic, for anyone who’s interested. I was invited onto an Encounter weekend to be close to God. Then my wife expressed an interest in working on our sexual relationship. I learned myself just this month how hurt someone was by something I said. They think it’s just them, and there is so much shame and pain around it that they don’t get help. Then, be clear that you’re not willing to live the rest of your life–or ETERNITY like this! I don’t know if my posts are doing anyone any good either, including and expecially myself. After many years looking at spiritual and what many would call esoteric fields of religion, I have come to ‘my’ understanding that God, who created us in his own image (which actually makes us beings of light, but most don’t know it yet), gave us free will, which also refers to freely experiencing negative situations. I can say with complete honestly, I just want my wife. A special thanks to Sir John and Monster Wife (and others) for posting. The realization that many non-European countries view celibacy negatively has prompted questions concerning the value of retaining celibacy as an absolute and universal requirement for ordained ministry in the Roman Catholic Church"[77], "The declining number of priests in active ministry, the exemption from the requirement of celibacy for married clergy who enter the Catholic Church after having been ordained in the Episcopal Church, and reported incidences of de facto nonobservance of the requirement by clergy in various parts of the world, especially in Africa and Latin America, suggests that the discussion [of celibacy] will continue."[77]. I contemplate finding intimacy elsewhere but think of the consequences and realize it will not solve the problem You might say, “Being celibate until marriage is really important to me,” or “Because of my injury, I’m living a celibate lifestyle.” Variation: If you already have a partner, discuss your decision with your partner before you commit to a life of celibacy. Now, spiritual aspects bring me closer to GOD, but I wonder if what you are suggesting is that sex in marriage, and devotion and commitment to God, are mutually exclusive. Argh. Why?…no one ever said they were right,…just that you shouldn’t have them. Unfortunately, I don’t understand code too much, so I miss it. Neither of us have gotten our needs met, and in the process, my choices in the past have led to some very unhealthy cycles. In the Catholic Church, men who take Holy Orders and become priests and women who become nuns take a vow of celibacy. Gradually, I came to understand that I needed to work on my own personal development. Stick with the therapist, and what Sir John sais is so relevant it jumps off the page. I believe that makes a big difference. According to Dr Leman, men normally think about sex 2000% more than women (or 20 times more often), and though it is normally #1, 2 or 3 on the man’s list of priorities for marriage, it is number 17 on women’s lists AFTER gardening!!!! I also believe that for my marriage, and from a moral perspective, I struggle to know whether I should take my desires elsewhere. Marriage is suppose to be “delicious” and “incredible”. He and his wife may practice a periodic continence for the sake of prayer and self-denial, or as a form of NFP. Not under any circumstances. The lay commitment takes on different forms, enabling them to persevere in their call amidst varying limits, situations, and stages in life. ~ A Parent’s Guide, Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs associated with this sacred act. Posted on March 30, 2013 by ARcher. Until that time, sex isn’t happening and I have no desire to make or allow it to happen. I commend and respect that greatly. Read that again ALL of it. The fact that you young men can become fathers and that you young women can become mothers is of utmost importance to you. Hi everyone, my first post. A couple of weeks would go by and I would feel indignant that I wasn’t getting any and say something – and that put her back to reset and we would have to start all over again repairing things. Your story is a tragedy, but one without a villain in my opinion. And I’ll try to do better! [21] In a revised version (1989) of her book, she claims that "abstinence is a response on the outside to what's going on, and celibacy is a response from the inside". She told me that counseling wouldn’t help because a counselor can’t change the way she feels (or doesn’t feel). I would still have my job and apartment. I have always believed that divorce should never be an option. But he was that way before I cut him off. Indeed, it is the rightful gift of God to the married ~ Eternal Marriage Student Manual, Birth Control, Abstinence in marriage, Paul says (see 1 Cor 7:4-5) can cause unnecessary temptations and tensions, which are certainly harmful side effect. Already in his pre-Pelagian writings, Augustine taught that Original Sin was transmitted by concupiscence,[46] which he regarded as the passion of both soul and body,[47] making humanity a massa damnata (mass of perdition, condemned crowd) and much enfeebling, though not destroying, the freedom of the will. There was a violent encounter followed by tears and He left me with a very clear mission. I also am TEMPTED STRONGLY to start taking a SSRI medication–not for depression, but for the libedo killing affects. If you believe in afterlife and marriage, how do you reconcile your marriage with what might be forthcoming? I just know that God will compensate me (and my husband) for our loneliness and hardship at some point that will be most beneficial for both of us. [58] It remains a matter of Canon Law (and often a criterion for certain religious orders, especially Franciscans) that priests may not own land and therefore cannot pass it on to legitimate or illegitimate children. Right on the numbers. The challenge itself holds the keys for both individuals to learn and grow in ways that they may not have otherwise been able to do. I’ve even beaten myself in the hopes that the physical pain would take away the emotional pain. That’s a lot more work than keeping it primed and ready to go, but I feel like that’s where I am. I have to believe that there will be something better in the next life. Any use which doesn’t include these feelings is improper. I have been in a situation that oscillates between those for a long time,…and only through pressure has my wife responded. Over the years I was told I was frigid because I couldn’t let go. In each case, however, they have horrible marriages,…with one exception only,…and that is my buddy Steve, who has given up sex for the sake of his marriage. As long as we continue to have a culture where “good girls don’t” even in marriage, and where we can’t even discuss sex intelligently between husband and wife, parents and children, or have a respectful conversation about it within society, then we will continue to produce spouses who don’t understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship, nor understand what it takes to create a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship in marriage. Finally found men in my shoes via this website/blog…i’m so sorry for them, for i know personally the anguish they have been through, now going on for myself for over 20 years NEVER have had sex with my wife since we were married (only sex i’ve ever had was with her in 1993 when she initiated it and then suddenly refused it, never ever again. Celibacy is designed to "consecrate themselves with undivided heart to the Lord and to "the affairs of the Lord, they give themselves entirely to God and to men. I felt bad after the fact but could see why they took what I said the way they did. It took about six months before he stopped trying to engage me in sex, with no medication or counseling. But from what I have read, I also see a lot of selfishness that is not allowing you to dig deep enough to do what needs to be done to fix this. ! Why change? His son Jonah replied,…”Oh, this is where all the people get to call in and dump on what you said.”, Well,..I guess I have opened up a bit here. Knowing that currently I don’t want sex right now and I feel no emotional connection to him, my husband would still take sex in a heartbeat. Recently I’ve begun to think of celibacy as the right paradigm for my situation but is it wrong to just give up on sex or is it love to not place that burden on her? I thought that if we had nothing else, we still had love. My husband spent the first week of our marriage on the phone with a friend talking about his hobby. In my experience when a man is truly demanding of sex multiple times a day then something else is generally involved–childhood issues/abuse and maybe even some kind of sexual addiction. Advertise With Us You all write respectfully. Both Cicero and Dionysius of Halicarnassus stated that Roman law forbade celibacy. But … you can’t control this. But there was very little emotional connection between the two of us. And you?” Look closer at the next person you meet. For those who are wondering what the topic was,…in a LifeStar meeting–the second group in Salt Lake County,…I was told: “Sex is 100% optional and completely non-essential.” There were no qualifications in this meeting with how that was taught. We should have wonderful sex, but you can’t get there by telling wives to put out. I often try to determine how to best execute the council in Matthew 5:29-30. Should I not be concerned about that great city?” (Jonah 4). "[64] The Apostolic Constitutions (c. 400) excommunicated a priest or bishop who left his wife 'under the pretense of piety"’ (Mansi, 1:51). I believe that throwing a tantrum, because you feel like throwing a tantrum is not honesty, but giving in to temptation. In his Tractates on the Gospel of John, Augustine, commenting on the Samaritan woman from John 4:1–42, uses the woman as a figure of the church. We have a better attitude towards others, give more to our church, and are so much more focused on our ministry to Christ. A hollowed out shell has nothing to offer anyone else. 19.21) He followed the advice and made the further step of moving deep into the desert to seek complete solitude. Brown, The Abundant Life [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1965], p. 70). Their bad behaviour makes us miserable in this life, so we will be miserable in the next. Stay strong in your faith and covenants of God and he will strengthen you. Namely, if I’m upset by anything, or react poorly to any situation within the home, I kill my chances for intimacy. What she doesn’t understand is that when I give her safety, it gives her license to not even think about intimacy. The Lord will hopefully continue to give me grace and humility to walk through this and joy when encouraging other couples who might have a small spat but at the end of the day when the demons come to poke your wound its does get hard but it does make you rely on the Lord more than ever. IN each case, they have to table the matter out of respect for their spouse’s wishes. It might be called a sexual guardianship. Ephesians 5:22-27 comes to mind. Eventually I stopped trying because I couldn’t win. I love your insight. It is also used to cultivate occult powers and many supernatural feats, called siddhi. MY wife and I have been involved in therapy patterned after Emotional Focused Therapy,—Sue Johnson being the founder. [Jonah] said, “It would be better for me to die than to live.”, 9 But God said to Jonah, “Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?”, “I do,” he said. I recognize that there are two great commandments, and Loving GOD with heart, might, mind,…is the first. Like I said in a previous post, I don’t wish this on anyone, not even my enemies. For years she has felt as though I was prostituting her for my own sexual lust. Now, I agree with this pathway (it is WAY over due), and mutual respect is absolutely essential if things are going to heal,….but there are two people in this relationship. It also reminds me of the diagram (Intimacy Needs Cycle) I have in my book (also in the slides here: http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/marriage/emotional-foreplay-dating-divas-tele-seminar) where we see the general pattern of women needing emotional connection in order to connect sexually and men needing sexual connection in order to connect emotionally. 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